Funny v1

螢幕說：我好慘，日日比人睇。

鍵盤說：我更慘，日日比人打。

滑鼠說：我先慘，日日比人摸。

主機說：你地唔夠我慘，我日日比人按肚臍。

光碟機說：我慘D，日日比人插。

軟碟機說：我慘尼，而家冇人插我啦！

USB頭說：邊個夠我慘？我比人插完呢邊插嗰邊，一唔小心仲會被感染。

主機板說：你地唔會以為有野插好得意，其實我先慘，佢地插左入來又唔郁，不知幾難受啊！

最後音效卡忍唔住說：明明你地比人插，點解次次係我叫．．．．．．．

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk panties. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your shows.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-wife

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to Spain together! Have a great life!


*********************************************************************

Dear EX-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my shows so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy'! Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my brother, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk panties: I turned away from you because the £49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty quid from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lottery for ten million pounds, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica .

But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your EX-husband, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Caroline. I hope that's not a problem.

Several men are in the locker room of a tennis club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ....go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"